My Million Dollar Blog

It’s really, really easy to end every day thinking about all the stuff you *haven’t* done.

Because, really, there’s so much I don’t get done in a day. A lot that I do, but always a hulking mass of stuff that I haven’t had the time to get into.

It’s ever so tempting to get into the “if I was more disciplined I would have done XYZ” or “if I was smarter I would have done XYZ a month ago” or “if I was more committed I would go without sleep for a week to get everything done that I need to.”

It’s like being in front of a dam about to burst, seeing a little hole start to trickle and jamming your finger into it to stop the flow, just to see another one start a foot away.

And you know, I only have ten fingers. So every day I do what I can and hope that it’s enough.

I think that must be part of this process; this constantly wondering if what I’m doing is enough, doing things and hoping that one of them leads somewhere big, putting a million objects in motion and hoping that one speeds towards where I want to be.

I don’t for one second believe that the Richard Bransons and Mark Burnetts and Henry Fords and Mick Jaggers and Al Pacinos of the world knew that the small thing that set in motion the series of events that led to them being famous and successful was going to do so when they put it in motion. Which is why I have faith in all the little things I do every day; I don’t believe that anyone is born lucky or unlucky, that I have just as much of a chance of it happening to me.

But man, is it depressing at times.

Sure, humour is a big part of this project. Because really, I wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t funny. That does not mean that I don’t take this seriously, as a social experiment, as documentary, as performance, as experience. It also doesn’t mean that sometimes, late at night when I sit and talk to a camera, everything doesn’t seem so infuriatingly out of reach.

I find myself not giving those moments the respect they deserve, pushing them away because hey, if it doesn’t look easy you must be doing something wrong. But these moments are important as well, essential. That’s been my point the whole time, that this isn’t easy but that’s why no one’s doing it. There are plenty of excuses to give yourself to avoid going through it, and sometimes I think, hell, why didn’t I give into those excuses as well. Things would be easier.

And then there are times that things are bright and I itch to see what tomorrow is going to bring. Sometimes I am on fire, sometimes I am walking two inches off the ground, sometimes I am so enamoured with this idea and this process that I don’t want to sleep - this time not because I want to work incessantly, but because I don’t want to miss any of it.

Sometimes I am looking up my street for the parade complete with a clown car and elephants, marching under a banner of You Have Arrived, because I’m sure they’re just taking their time in getting here but they’re going to get here any day now.

What’s changed in my world in either state? Usually, not much. The only thing that’s changed is the lens through which I’m looking at things. And the latter is so much more fun and so much more productive.

There are so many people who have emailed me and said “I am working a job I don’t like and you’ve made me think that maybe there’s something else out there.” The hilarious part, to me anyway, is that these people are usually making piles of money, but they’re considering chucking it all anyway because there Has To Be Something Better.

And I have this personal daydream of going on this roadtrip and collecting all of them, sending out a call to all the desk monkeys and the unfulfilled, the accountants that really want to be potters and the lawyers who really want to raise horses and the data entry drones who really want to make movies. I have this vision of empty desks and SMELL YA LATER scrawled hastily across whiteboards and ties and briefcases being flung out of windows and caution flung directly, en masse, into the wind, and collecting a convoy of cars not yet paid for and their owners laughing like maniacs with the thrill and terror of it all.

Eventually, though, like every idealistic revolution, at least some of them would realize that it’s really hard to do what they really want with their lives, that it’s harder than working for The Man and pays considerably less for a damn long time, and slink back to their desks and reattach the leg irons. Which is usually the part at which I try to stop that daydream.

I don’t believe that there’s ever “less work”, there’s no “guarantee”, there’s only the sensation of being able to say, on the day you die, “Well, I think I did as much as I could with my life and pushed as many boundaries as I could find and refused to let my life happen TO me.”

In these darkest moments, I still refuse to slink back. I believe what I am doing is not outside the realm of sense and possibility. I know that it’s a question of hanging on until the next chapter, because at the end of the day there is absolutely no way of knowing what’s there, and it’s another essential part of the story.

…

To think, all I could think to write when I sat down tonight was “Lost on the lottery again. Dang.”

I have heard it said that all you need to succeed is perfect confidence and perfect ignorance of the odds against you.

For the first time I can say that I have it in spades. In spades.

I can see the shining goal in the distance, and I can see parts of the path revealing themselves. I am always amazed at how different the world looks after 24 good hours.

Today, I believe. Today, I feel the wheels grinding into motion.

Off to see the immutable Warren Ellis speak, he’s in town for a comic book convention. I ran into him earlier on the street, hopefully I get a chance to chat a bit more.

I just realized something today. In about two weeks I’m turning twenty-six.

What the hell, I’m not even used to being twenty-five yet.

Which means that I should probably do something to celebrate the fact that this is the last year I’ll be able to say “I’m another year older, and I still haven’t made a million dollars.”

Suggestions welcome, I’m too busy to have ideas these days.

So how to plan for something big.

Because I know exactly what I’m going to do, just not how I’m going to do it. I have a month or so to figure it out.

I already let this loose on the mailing list, and I’m going to let it loose here: I’m planning My Million Dollar Road Trip, a way to take this show on the road this summer, travel around making money wherever I can and having ridiculous adventures and filming the whole fiasco.

At this point, I have no car, not a lot of money, and no one to hold the camera.

Like those kind of odds have ever stopped me before.

Tomorrow: Early start to get on the horn with a whoooole bunch of people.

Sometimes I curse my own laziness or inability to get projects started, I look at the list of unmade phone calls or the stacks of unfinished work and think, man, when did I get this unproductive.

And then something happens and my perspective shifts a bit, and I am instantly thankful that I didn’t start all that work because I only now have the knowledge and tools to do it properly.

See, procrastination serves me on some level.

Today I had a fifteen minute conversation that provided more insight and direction than I have gotten in a long, long time. Sometimes it’s just a matter of remembering the people around you that have the skills. Sometimes it’s just a matter of speaking up.

I’m giving myself a week to change the face of things to come. Yes, you may hold me to that.

I feel particularly lucky today.

Lost on the lottery this week. Dang.

+++

Finished “The Luck Factor”. Am going to be carrying out a few experiments of my own.

+++

I feel a new phase of agressiveness setting in. Someone told me that it’s because Mercury finally moved out of, or perhaps into, retrograde (?!). Sure, okay.

+++

Guess what?

It’s supposed to snow tomorrow.

I am typing this with gloves on.

+++

If there was a prize for sticktuitiveness and tenacity, then it would be mine. I’d like to thank the members of the academy.

You know, if I didn’t have to worry about how to pay bills and keep the debt dogs at bay, hoo boy would I have a whole lot of extra time on my hands. Soon, young jedi. Soon.

+++

I always bemoan the people who try to make things look easy, and then I catch myself covering up my own moments of struggle and vulnerability when those moments are the entire point.

You know what? Sometimes this project feels like standing in an empty stadium speaking into the microphone and having my own voice reverberate back at me, hollow and weird sounding. Sometimes that stadium has just ten people in it, sometimes it’s packed full.

Just because it’s quiet doesn’t mean there’s no one there. Because I see the web stats every day, I know that almost half a million people have seen this project so far.

I read a quote recently, I forget who said it but it was something about fortune smiling upon him who can stay on his feet when bad luck is present, so he’ll still be the one standing when good luck finally appears.

It doesn’t have anything to do with “luck” per se, I’m becoming sure of that. It has everything to do with kicking at it, constantly, every day, regardless of any other factors, so when one of the Big Chances happens by I’m there to catch it.